Music in your bones

Take a jaw bone and the teeth from said jaw bone.

Apply some super glue to keep the teeth in place now that the jaw's former owner no longer has the gums to do that.

Take dental floss and string between matching teeth on opposite sides. Remember to tie each line in place.

Now you have a creepy string instrument that vaguely resembles a harp and sounds TERRIBLE.

If I were a dentist I would make one of these. Whenever I had kids in the office I could start strumming it and say "Remember to floss or I'll do it for you...after you die!"

I don't think I'd get much repeat business.

Shoppers drug mart

I suspect that shoppers drug mart must keep some pretty good drugs in the store somewhere.

I was standing in line and of course it was moving with agonising slowness. The old woman being served somehow managed to stretch out a purchase of ginger ale to a truly heroic degree. There was one girl working the check outs. She was not the only staffer in sight. There were of course four of them. One stood behind the cashier presumably waiting until the customers rose up in revolt. Another stood around making a flaccid attempt at shelf stocking. The fourth seemed to be doing nothing and standing around in the mobile phone section.

His job was to sell mobile phones. Heaven forbid he be diverted from his task. At least he was willing to be funny about it.

"Come on people in line. I have mobile phones AND optimum points. Who are you to resist it?"

My fellow shoppers stood unamused by his quirky sales pitch. A few moments later he continued undeterred.

"That's right! Your two favourite things in the world, mobile phones and optimum points, together at last. What more could you want? All you have to do is come and see me. Wouldn't you like some optimum points? I have them. I have them all!"

Still the crowd is unmoved.

"No? Nobody feeling it?"

I start chuckling under my breath and smile at him as I make eye contact. He needs to know someone appreciates his attempt to bring some quirky humour to a drab corner of the world. Finally the old woman is done with her soft drink and its my turn. As I pay and leave he starts up his bizarre sales pitch again.

"Yes that's right. Judge me, people in the line. That's the crazy guy selling phones and optimum points. But only I have them. I have what you need to be happy."

"Optimum points," he croons.

I want some of whatever he snuck out of the back and snorted. I'm sure it would make my stories more interesting.

That's not a knife...

This little product spawned a rather large number of tasteless jokes today.

http://gizmodo.com/5715616/the-credit-card-knife-is-for-the-truly-unbalanced



"Garbage bags. Five dollars.
Out of state panel van rental. Two hundred and fifty dollars.
Entry into national park. Ten dollars.
Being finally free of your overbearing mother. Priceless."


"You'd really be in trouble once the wife got a hold of that card. What if she held it against you? It could lead to a sharp blow."

"Imagine the charges you'd incur for using that card!"

"The rewards program includes free accomodation and food."

"It would generate a lot of interest if you used it."

"Excessive use might leave you in the red..."

"shop till THEY drop..."


And so on. It was rather enjoyable tormenting my co-workers with jokes like that...

A quote for the ages

I didn't come up with this but I think it is a fantastic line...

"You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first."

Don't try this at home kids.

"Stop macropocide through autocide now!"
I dare you to put that on a bill board in Australia...

Talpicide is the killing of moles. I am uncertain what the killing of moles with shovels would be called. Rutilacide?

I was looking for words to use in reference to deleting data structures. No luck. Why couldn't the Romans have more words for data structures in object oriented programming?

I am no good at poetry

Roses are black
Violets are black
Tis so very sad
For vision I lack

Avoiding the HST

Just before the HST came in was a good time to make major purchases that would otherwise be more expensive under the new tax system.

I received a wonderful little flyer entitled "Avoid The HST And Pre-Plan Today." What was being advertised? Naturally it was "Highland Park Cemetery". I was of course thrilled at any chance to thwart the government on tax collection and instantly contemplated suicide, thus avoiding the HST entirely.

I'm not sure what turned me off the idea. Perhaps it was the text at the bottom of the flyer.

"MORE THAN JUST A CEMETERY"

I'm not quite sure what that means but it doesn't fill me with confidence that my eternal place of rest would necessarily be all that restful or eternal. Maybe it doubles as a dog walking park or an amusement park or something worse. I don't particularly relish the thought of being the passive necrophiliac*

*Thankyou Doug Anthony All stars